Make a list of: 7 Signs It`s Time to Take a Bath
1. You can smell yourself and think it’s someone else.
I cannot tell you how many times I’ve been standing in a crowd or, well, sitting by myself, and I’ve thought to myself, “Damn, someone is ripe….” and then, well, I’ve realized it was me. Perhaps that tells you more than I would like for you to know about my hygiene, but I live in Mississippi, people. It’s 98 degrees with 117% humidity in the refrigerator. Things get funky.
2. Flies follow you.
Chances are, if you have a swarm of pestilence and Pharaoh has already let your people go, they’re chasing your cloud of fumes. Blame it on an overripe banana if you want.
3. You watch the Peanuts holiday special and Pigpen makes you self conscious.
Can someone please tell me why Pigpen never got taken away by DHS?
Or Dennis the Menace?
Or Tommy Pickles?
4. You can style your hair into a fauxhawk with no product.
We all have oil in our hair, but that’s just nasty.
5. You had sex since your last cleansing.
That should be self explanatory.
6. You wouldn’t want the lice lady to check your head for bugs.
This one time in sixth grade (maybe seventh), I hadn’t had time before school to take a shower. I sprayed a little extra Aqua Net in my hair to keep it from looking too oily, and I went on about my business. That was the day the school chose to have us all file into the nurse’s office to have a routine lice check. I suppose my hair looked pretty gross and the hairspray had made flakes, because I had to be rerouted twice to be rechecked before they finally determined that my hair was just dirty and not buggy. Of course by the time I got back to class (ten minutes after all my classmates), everyone had determined that I had bugs and all the seats around me were empty.
7. You give fewer hugs.
I’ve caught myself thinking, “Don’t breathe in please don’t breathe in,” at times. That just shouldn’t be so. We should all be able to freely hug and be hugged.
Now, go take a shower.