1. You’re my best friend and there are still things I feel weird telling you. I mean I could never be closer to anyone the way I am with you, but there are some things we just never have talked about.
2. I think you’re just flat out crazy. I mean really, leave her alone. It’s been 5 years and no one but you cares anymore.
3. I’ve always admired your spunk and fearlessness. I wish we were better friends.
4. You think we have some strange connection but the truth is that I really make myself like you.
5. There are so many reasons that my heart aches at the thought of you. I’ve never given enough credence to you to allow you to hurt me, but you’ve hurt close to my heart. More than I can recount. I don’t know that I’ll ever forgive you for that. Not that you’d ask.
6. Sometimes I wonder if you’re still sorry for hurting me.
7. There are many aspects of my life that would be different if you’d been nicer to me. I’m glad you weren’t.
8. I wish I could open my inbox and see a letter. A real one, written and just because you had things you felt like saying.
9. You’re so pretty.
10. I wish we were better friends. You have the life I always envisioned for myself and I think you are totally awesome.
11. I’m afraid that the fact I’m doubting my Bible thumping beliefs will disappoint you. If God is real, you are one of his faces.
12. I need your approval far too much. It’s because I love you so dearly.
13. I still miss being your friend, and that shames me. Because really, it was obviously not as important to you. You never even gave me a chance.
14. You are a symbol and a face of everything that is wrong with this world. If I could ever have half an hour to tell you what I think and what I thought during the time I knew you, I would tell you exactly why.
15. Please don’t die.
16. Open your eyes.
17. Love more.
It’s sad that I haven’t written here in so long. Since Easter.
Does anyone still read me? Am I tucked away on some reader just to pop up randomly today?
Anyway, a lot has happened since Easter. Not only do we have a new family member, one who deserves her own blog post because of how completely she changed our lives, but we have a new outlook and lease on life.
And by we, I mean me.
Moving home from Jackson brought with it lots of emotions, lots of questions. There was the initial feeling of failure, the hurt, the betrayal of a plan and hope gone wrong.
There were questions about our future, our plans. Beliefs.
I have overcome many things in the past months. I went from complete physical and emotional exhaustion and being unsure about absolutely everything in my life to a new beginning.
I still don’t know that I’m sure about some of the things.
I don’t know why we even went to Jackson. I did believe that there was an ultimate plan, a benefit for the greater good. I don’t believe that anymore. If there is a plan for us I don’t think that any of the people who were instrumental in getting us to Jackson would be in the least involved.
I learned so much while we were gone. About reality and human nature, about how seldom the people who claim to be of God are actually even good people.
If there is a God, I don’t believe he wears a collar.
And that’s what I learned in Central Mississippi.