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Daily, Random, Reflection, Writing

Chop

arrowsIt never occurred to me to put up a guard.

Okay, it did.

But at some point one has to let the guard down. And I suppose that’s when you are struck. Naked, exposed and vulnerable. Trusting, you take the next step on a tenuous suspension bridge. The plank snaps. Deafening. Chop.

The chaos of survival ensues, and in survival you find out who you really are.

When you’re presented with a situation you didn’t expect, you go into survival mode. Or any normal person would.

Me, I start to ponder the entire situation of my existence. I check out degree programs and long for an education I abandoned. I make plans that could come to fruition but then I wonder what I’m thinking.

I suppose what I really need is a concrete goal. An aim.

It doesn’t help matters along that part of the ponderings lately have been in matters of faith, triggered by various things. For instance, if I believe in God (and I do), and I believe he has a plan (which I also do), then why do I feel so out of sync? Where do I find this plan, this plan I’ve heard about since I was small?

I’m not looking to debate God or religion or any of that. I have my beliefs and you have yours – that’s fine with me, and I really am not looking to be told how wrong I am or how everything will be made better if I just read a King James Version of the Bible while wearing a dress and staying at home honoring my husband.

I’ve talked with a lot of people lately about faith. It sounds weird, I admit – the entire concept of believing something that just isn’t there. And I wish for something resembling faith and then I find myself wishing for something like this – something that would directly contradict that claim to faith.

I’m still human. I get so frustrated.

And I just wish there were a giant arrow pointing in a general direction. Any direction would do. Except, you know, into the sewer. Or the toilet factory.

*inspired by a writing prompt from First 50 Words

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About emylibef

I'm a wife, a mother, and many other things. I have blogged my life for over six years now, and this blog is the culmination of several blogs. In other words, I'm trying to get it all together. Bear with me.

Discussion

2 thoughts on “Chop

  1. I would really encourage you to go to Lifeway (or whatever Christian bookstore, but I know Lifeway in Tupelo has it), and look for the Nooma DVD entitled “Rhythm”…. it will be about $13, and isnt long….

    And yes, I know the stigma of Lifeway, but these Nooma videos are different, I promise…. and I love you!

    Posted by Addie | December 10, 2008, 4:27 pm
  2. Ok so pretend this isn’t me and you want to know what I think. Got it? Ok here’s what you do. You sit. You get quiet. You get completely and I mean completely honest before God. You don’t flower up anything. You feel something you tell Him with no sugar coating. You’re discouraged you say it. You’re mad you say it. You feel like screaming you do it. But in all this honesty you have to be honest with you too. You don’t feel shame because that’s of the devil. You don’t judge yourself against what she says or I say or that church down the road says. You ask HIM. He’s the only one that matters anyway. You live a life of compassion and not judgement. (I know you think i’m talking out of my butt. But I try honestly. I don’t want to be the ten commandment police! I fight it really!!) The Emily I love knows that arrow and it has nothing to do with a set of rules. It’s compassion for people and finding the thing that you do that expresses His love to humanity. You just have to be still for long enough. And I love you too..

    Posted by Stef | December 11, 2008, 5:41 pm

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