It never occurred to me to put up a guard.
Okay, it did.
But at some point one has to let the guard down. And I suppose that’s when you are struck. Naked, exposed and vulnerable. Trusting, you take the next step on a tenuous suspension bridge. The plank snaps. Deafening. Chop.
The chaos of survival ensues, and in survival you find out who you really are.
When you’re presented with a situation you didn’t expect, you go into survival mode. Or any normal person would.
Me, I start to ponder the entire situation of my existence. I check out degree programs and long for an education I abandoned. I make plans that could come to fruition but then I wonder what I’m thinking.
I suppose what I really need is a concrete goal. An aim.
It doesn’t help matters along that part of the ponderings lately have been in matters of faith, triggered by various things. For instance, if I believe in God (and I do), and I believe he has a plan (which I also do), then why do I feel so out of sync? Where do I find this plan, this plan I’ve heard about since I was small?
I’m not looking to debate God or religion or any of that. I have my beliefs and you have yours – that’s fine with me, and I really am not looking to be told how wrong I am or how everything will be made better if I just read a King James Version of the Bible while wearing a dress and staying at home honoring my husband.
I’ve talked with a lot of people lately about faith. It sounds weird, I admit – the entire concept of believing something that just isn’t there. And I wish for something resembling faith and then I find myself wishing for something like this – something that would directly contradict that claim to faith.
I’m still human. I get so frustrated.
And I just wish there were a giant arrow pointing in a general direction. Any direction would do. Except, you know, into the sewer. Or the toilet factory.
*inspired by a writing prompt from First 50 Words